holdmyheart: ([ncis] kate 'call of silence')
As Valentines Day approaches I find myself with feelings, emotions and opinions that I want to share, probably more accurately is that I need to get off my chest some things, even if no one cares/reads it.

I have always been a firm believer, that while Valentines Day is a fine holiday; you shouldn't need a "special" day to do something nice for the person you love.  However, I in no way feel like I can preach this or even back it up because I've never had anyone to do something 'special' for me.  In fact i've never had a "special" person do anything 'special' for me on any day regardless of the holiday or lack thereof.

I'm 19 years old, going to college and I've never had a boyfriend, been on a date, or even been asked out.  Which is not great for the self esteem.  I don't want to be the initiator.
holdmyheart: ([moonlight] delicate flower)
All my life I've never really liked my name. 


There's no good, likable way to shorten it although people try and even though I have always felt this way I've never done anything about it.  People continue to try and shorten it, (Kel, Kels[which if you have to shorten it this one is the lesser of two evils]) as well as just saying it incorrectly, Chelsea being the most common mistake.

I know at least 6 Kelsey's/Chelsea's off the top of my head.  We may not all spell it the same but it sounds the same(except for Chelsea).

I've also noticed that students and teachers alike might remember me but they rarely remember my name from week to week.  I've been called Ashley, Stephanie, Caitlyn, etc.

For years I've played around with going by my middle name, Nicole.  I don't know many Nicole's. 

It's french and actually has a "meaningful" meaning.  'Victory of the people' as opposed to 'from ceol's island'.

There are at least three valid nicknames for Nicole, [Nic, Nikki, Cole]

Next term I'm thinking about going by Nicole.  On that first day in class when the teacher is going through attendence and they ask if you want to be called something different that what's on the paper; I'm going to say, "I go by Nicole."

Don't even get me started on my out of date username.  Anybody have ideas for me for a new username?


Sep. 29th, 2007 11:15 am
holdmyheart: (Sora)
Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and never even leave my room.  Not talk to anyone, not interact with anyone and not try and be closer friends with anyone.

Coming back to school and awana is difficult every year because all those awana friends especially, I haven't seen all summer.  They're busy they have jobs and since I don't go to their church or get invited on their annual camping trip I end up not seeing anyone all summer.  I also realize that it's partly my fault for not taking the baton and reaching out but,  I've never had friends like that.  I've never had friends who I felt like I could call up and just say, "Hey, are you busy? Want to hang out?"  and I've only had 1 friend ever do that to me.  I know I'm socially retarded in lots of ways and I'm working on it but sometimes I just don't want to have to fight my way into the group because I feel like I have to fight my way in every fall.  Last year was a much needed breather from that because no one would leave me alone after Grant died.

Which is the other thing, Grant's been gone a year.  No one has asked me how I'm doing with that since before summer and now everyone is focused on the fact that I'm getting 2 new sisters and "aren't you excited?"  well yes but no one will fill the hole that Grant left.

J really hurt my feelings and I don't want to talk to him but I have to be polite and listen to him while all I;m thinking about is if he's even realized that he hurt my feelings.

A is fine with me unless I so much as glance at or mention J so I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells.





holdmyheart: (Default)

May 2009

     1 2
3 45 6789
1011121314 1516


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags