holdmyheart

As Valentines Day approaches I find myself with feelings, emotions and opinions that I want to share, probably more accurately is that I need to get off my chest some things, even if no one cares/reads it.

I have always been a firm believer, that while Valentines Day is a fine holiday; you shouldn't need a "special" day to do something nice for the person you love.  However, I in no way feel like I can preach this or even back it up because I've never had anyone to do something 'special' for me.  In fact i've never had a "special" person do anything 'special' for me on any day regardless of the holiday or lack thereof.

I'm 19 years old, going to college and I've never had a boyfriend, been on a date, or even been asked out.  Which is not great for the self esteem.  I don't want to be the initiator.

Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and never even leave my room.  Not talk to anyone, not interact with anyone and not try and be closer friends with anyone.

Coming back to school and awana is difficult every year because all those awana friends especially, I haven't seen all summer.  They're busy they have jobs and since I don't go to their church or get invited on their annual camping trip I end up not seeing anyone all summer.  I also realize that it's partly my fault for not taking the baton and reaching out but,  I've never had friends like that.  I've never had friends who I felt like I could call up and just say, "Hey, are you busy? Want to hang out?"  and I've only had 1 friend ever do that to me.  I know I'm socially retarded in lots of ways and I'm working on it but sometimes I just don't want to have to fight my way into the group because I feel like I have to fight my way in every fall.  Last year was a much needed breather from that because no one would leave me alone after Grant died.

Which is the other thing, Grant's been gone a year.  No one has asked me how I'm doing with that since before summer and now everyone is focused on the fact that I'm getting 2 new sisters and "aren't you excited?"  well yes but no one will fill the hole that Grant left.

J really hurt my feelings and I don't want to talk to him but I have to be polite and listen to him while all I;m thinking about is if he's even realized that he hurt my feelings.

A is fine with me unless I so much as glance at or mention J so I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

ugh.

[/rant]